he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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