Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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