I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just invented taco cereal.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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