I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
