In the future we'll all be gay
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
