I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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