i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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