How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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