it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
