Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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