I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
