I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
