girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
