my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
