did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
