soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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