We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
