You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
