the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
