My liver just broke up with me...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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