JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
