You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
