Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
