its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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