You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
one might say we're banned from that church
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
