If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
