you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
