hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
