508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
