Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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