I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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