I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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