You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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