I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
