dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
