In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
