hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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