hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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