my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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