Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
