He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
