the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
