how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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