my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
