Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
