My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
