i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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