True but thats because hes a fetus.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
