a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
