I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
