Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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